You Know You’re Old When…

Tuesday evening my quartet sang at a dinner for about 200 guests at a huge Baptist church in Augusta. After we finished we left immediately.

On our way to the parking lot we encountered a lady in her 30s who arrived late.  She greeted us and asked if she was too late.  Of course I responded with, “Well, you missed grace and our performance, but dinner is just now being served.”

She then approached me, smiled and asked, “How old are you?”

What a strange question, I thought.  Am I being hit on by this woman in a church parking lot?  Or, maybe she can’t believe I look so good for a guy with all that gray hair.

I responded, “I’m 73.” (I’m kind of proud of my age)

With that, she said, “Oh good. Would you zip me up?” and she turned around to reveal that her dress was unzipped from the waist up.  I guess she was in a big hurry and didn’t have anyone to help her when she put the dress on.

I laughed and pulled the zipper up to complete the task.  But then it struck me that what she had actually implied was that, because of my advanced age I must be “harmless.” 

I guess that told me how old I really am!

That’s it for this week…

Driving Tips That Don’t Work

I received one of those unsolicited messages this week, which contained advice on driving in the rain.  Since I am a road hawk—I drove 1,800 miles last week on my road trip—I do feel that I am qualified to respond to the advice. I’m going to quote the message exactly, because I want to respond to each part of it in detail. Here it is:

How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour.
 
We are not sure why it is so effective; just try this method when it rains heavily. This method was given me by a Police friend who had experienced and confirmed it.  It is useful… even driving at night. One method used by Canadian Military Drivers for years.
 
Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers during heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the windshield is still bad.
 
In the event you face such a situation, just try your SUN GLASSES (any model will do), and miracle! All of a sudden, your visibility in front of your windshield is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.
 
Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES in your car, as you are not only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision, but also might save your friend's life by giving him this idea..
 
Try it yourself and share it with your friends! Amazing, you still see the drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling.
 
You can see where the rain bounces off the road. It works to eliminate the "blindness" from passing semi's spraying you too.
 
Or the "kickup" if you are following a semi or car in the rain. They ought to teach that little tip in driver's training. It really does work.

First of all, I doubt that any policeman confirmed the method.  And I also doubt that the Canadian Military uses it either, especially if practiced as stated.  IT DOESN’T WORK AS DESCRIBED!  In addition, sunglasses of any kind should never be worn while driving at night.  They would cut down on an already impeded visibility and would be dangerous, raining or not.

The author writes about drivers using high or fastest speed of the wipers, then seems to indicate that the wipers should be left in the off position.  The sunglasses are the only aid referred to in the third paragraph.  Any model will do is dead wrong, as only polarized sun glasses would help, but they wouldn’t make the windshield perfectly clear as if there is no rain, especially if those wipers were left off.

In the fifth paragraph, the writer praises the sun glasses’ effect of “eliminating blindness from passing semis spraying you too.”  As you know, when a semi splashes water up on your windshield, it forms a sheet of it.  No sunglasses will convert that shimmering mass of water into a clear view of the road ahead.  The same is true of the “kickup” that comes from any vehicle ahead of you that drives through a puddle and drenches the cars behind. There is no way that a sheet of water magically disappears when sunglasses are worn.

In summary, I would hope that if anyone takes driver training they will learn the proper driving method for driving on wet, snowy or icy roads. Wearing sunglasses for other than bright, sunny conditions is not safe or recommended. Turning off cruise control and shifting out of overdrive is a much safer tactic. If it is raining hard enough that your wiper cannot keep the windshield clear, pull over to the side of the road and wait it out.

However, if you don’t believe me and you really want to test the theory, make sure you do it on a road that I’m not on, try to make the test when it isn’t raining cats and dogs and be prepared to yank the sunglasses off again quickly when you discover that the method doesn’t work.

Strangers and Friends

I have to warn you that this column is almost, but not quite political in nature, and I promise not to include any endorsement for either presidential candidate. 

I know that there will be a lot of talk in the next two months about religious beliefs, because one candidate is openly Mormon and the other professes to be Christian, though he also has roots in Islam.

I have never, to my knowledge met a Muslim, so I cannot speak for what I believe any person of that religion truly believes.  As in all religions, there are good and bad people in the mix.  However, I tend to give our president the benefit of a doubt and accept that he is what he says he is, a Christian.

The Challenger does come with some baggage, much like JFK did when he ran for and won the presidency.  He was the fist Catholic ever elected to that high position. We’re supposed to keep religion out of politics, but we cannot help ourselves, we do have some prejudices when it comes to those topics.

I want to relate to you my one encounter with a family that practices Mormonism.  It was in Utah and took place on that mountain hike my wife and I took up Mount Timpanogos to Timpanogos National Cave last summer.

In case you weren’t privy to my journal, I’ll tell you that the hike up and back covered about 3 miles, 1100 feet of elevation and 3½ hours.  Judy and I each took one liter of water to drink, but no food.  We learned quickly that we had made a mistake!

On the way up the trail we stopped frequently to rest and hydrate.  What should have taken about 90 minutes turned into a full 2-hour trek.  At some point on our journey we met up with a family of 6 who had stopped along with us at a bench.  The littlest member, a 4-year-old girl, must have thought we resembled her grandparents, as she became very friendly and chatty. The family was from Provo, only a few miles away.

When we reached the cave entrance, we had missed our tour time, but were allowed to go on the following one that wasn't entirely filled to the maximum of 20 people. It turned out that the family we had met, the Locketts—not their real name—were also on that tour.  We all went on the hour-long trip through the cavern.

The exit from Timpanogos Cave is about a half-mile from the entrance and, since cave rules prohibited taking walking sticks or strollers and such into the cave, retrieval of those items entailed a long walk back across the mountain with more ups and downs.  I was content to leave the walking stick behind, but it was not to be.

The two older Lockett boys volunteered to go back up to the cave entrance to get my “cane” for me. They trudged up the trail and returned with the stick in about 10 minutes. I thanked them and then we started back down the trail.

We continued to catch up to the Lockett Family at several rest areas on the way to the bottom of the mountain, and they graciously offered us some of the snacks they had brought with them.  On the second or third offer we took them up on it, as hiking was hard, hot work, we had used up all of our water and I was getting hungry.  We received some granola bars and some juice, for which we expressed our thanks once again.

At the parking lot, we parted ways and wished each other well.  There had been no attempt to proselytize, but there certainly was a friendly and caring attitude. 

I had been told that Utah was a nice place to visit, but if you are not a Mormon you wouldn’t want to live there, as they are very stand-offish.  Well, I certainly couldn’t find anything to be further from the truth when we met and shared this caving experience with the Locketts. They were the kindest and friendliest people I would ever hope to meet.

I have always loved Utah for its scenery and variety of attractions, but now I have good reason to love its people as well.  I go back there as often as I can.

The Strange Life of The Century Plant

This week I have a desert plant to show you that is quite amazing.  If you have never lived in the Sonoran or Chihuahuan Desert, you probably have not seen this plant in its full splendor.  It is called the Century Plant, or Agavacaea Americana.  The reason for its common name is due to the growth cycle of the cactus.  It only blooms once, and while it doesn’t take 100 years for the bloom to form, it does take a long time.

The Century Plant spends 10, 15, sometimes up to 25 years preparing for its grand finale.  During that time, the leaves grow to a height of 4-6 feet, 6-8 inches across at the base, with sharp serrated edges and a spike at the end.  The plant can reach a diameter of six feet.  It is not a plant you would want to run into.

After the long and slow growth of the leaves, the appearance of the stalk is quite rapid.  It shoots up out of the center of the plant in a matter of weeks to a stunning height of 20-25 feet. Some have grown to 40 feet.  The stalk is more like a tree trunk, since it usually has a diameter of 4-6 inches.  Once it has attained its full height, it gets branches with a huge flower pod at the end of each one.  The yellow or orange flowers take another two or three weeks to reach full bloom, during which time they attract bees and hummingbirds.  

When the flowers eventually fall, the seedpods are left to propagate new plants.  However, the Plant grows so rapidly in those few weeks that it virtually kills itself.  Almost from the time the stalk starts to shoot up, the leaves begin to turn brown and shrivel.  The stalk, having no support anymore, falls to the ground within a short period of time.  In fact, many of the plants never make it to full bloom, because they tend to be top heavy and susceptible to wind.  When they do topple, they sometimes take out surrounding bushes or small trees.

The Century Plant is truly a spectacular plant of the Southwestern American desert.  They are used as ornamentals in many yards—I had one in my back yard in El Paso, but it had several years to grow yet.  The last time I visited El Paso in 2010, it was still growing with no stalk.  I hope you enjoyed reading about and seeing pictures of the Century Plant.

The Ideal Solution

It’s time to roll out some of my irony for this week’s column.  The inspiration this time was a message I got earlier this week, one of those Maxine funnies, where she proposed swapping out our convicts for our nursing home patients to the benefit of the elderly and the punishment of the felons.  It brought this former column of mine to mind, so I will repeat it here for your further amusement.

My wife and I have been discussing the gloomy prospects in the years ahead.  We are avowed conservatives, and as such, we absolutely abhor the current actions of the idiots in Washington–both parties.  Faced with healthcare reform (deform?), cap and trade, global warming legislation, and on and on and on, we are not happy citizens.

Since both of us are already on forced Medicare, we have to be very concerned about what the future holds for senior citizens.  I planned ahead, squirreled away a nest egg for retirement, and managed my finances carefully.  However, I don’t know that we are going to be able to keep it in light of the Obama/Reid/Pelosi conspiracy to redistribute the wealth.

I’ve taken stock of our savings and our health, and have come to a conclusion:  Judy is probably going to outlive me by a couple of decades.  My parents died at age 79 and 80, while her dad lived to 95 and her mom is in her 90s and still going strong.  That doesn’t bode well for us to both live to a ripe old age.

I had a brainstorm the other day about how Judy can make it to 100 or more if she does it right.  What’s more, it’s all perfectly legal in a very strict definition of the word “legal.”

I’m sure you’ve all seen that email message that compares the cost of a nursing home to staying at a Holiday Inn.  In case you haven’t, the Holiday Inn at $90-a-day beats the cost of a nursing home by a long shot.  Well, I’ve decided to go that one better.  My alternate plan for my wife is free and includes meals and healthcare.  Here it is…

If Judy outlives me—I’m reasonably certain she will—and she sees that the money is running out, I want her to go rob a bank. I don’t want her to use a real gun or do anything that dangerous.  A mere note will do the trick. 

The note should read, “I have a gun in my pocket, but it isn’t loaded–yet.  I don’t want you to get hurt. The bullets are in my other pocket, so I can load the gun if I need to.  NOW, GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR CASH!”

Not only will she get caught without any shots being fired, but she might also qualify for that list of “Dumbest Criminals” that circulates amongst my email buddies.  She can get her “fifteen minutes of fame” to which Andy Warhol promised everyone is entitled.

No, no, the bank robbery isn’t meant to get any money.  It is to get a jail sentence at a federal penitentiary, preferably a long one.  Life without parole will do nicely.  Have you seen what those federal prisons look like these days?  They have 55-inch flat screen TVs, recreation rooms, great food, and hospital facilities to die for. (Well, maybe not to die for, but pretty neat and FREE!)

Oh, there is a slight inconvenience in that she won’t have her freedom, but then, those people in the nursing homes don’t have any freedom either.  My mother-in-law is in one and she hasn’t been off the grounds in several years.

Relatives are much better about visiting you in prison than they are in nursing homes, mainly because the conditions are a lot better in the prison visiting areas, and there isn’t that nasty odor that permeates the nursing home.  Not only don’t they have to bring gifts, mostly they aren’t allowed to do so, so there’s no need for excuses either.

All in all, I think I’ve hit on the ideal way to get around the Bulls**t the politicians in Washington are giving us.  Judy can take advantage of the system and not even feel guilty.

Just in case you’re tempted to use my idea for yourself or your spouse, make sure to make the robbery a federal offense.  Don’t go for convenience stores or home invasions.  Those will only get you a state prison, and I hear the conditions in those places are terrible.  Besides, convenience store clerks and homeowners are wising up and getting their own guns to shoot you if you try to burgle them. 

Now, if bank robbery seems too dangerous for you, try counterfeiting.  That too is a federal offense and will be worthy of a good long sentence.  You don’t even have to make good replicas of the currency, since you want to be caught anyway.  If you’re really nice, you can save the cost of a court trial and just plead guilty when arraigned, but be sure to show no remorse.  The judge will probably sentence you immediately ad he won't be lenient.

Portrait of a Warrior

If you’re ever in or near Houston, take the time to drive a few miles east to the little suburb called Baytown.  At 308 W Texas Street there is a small storefront gallery, the Portrait of a Hero Memorial Art Gallery.  The resident artist, Ken “the dauber” Pridgeon, will likely be on hand to greet you as you enter.  According to his chroniclers, he paints on he premises about 14-hours-a day, 7-days-a-week.

Give yourself a few hours inside the gallery, because once you enter, you’re immersed in the paintings that line the walls.  They represent many of the over 500 fallen Texas heroes of the Iraqi and Afghanistan Wars.  And the portraits are not only good depictions of their subjects; they are so lifelike that you might swear they are looking back at you.

I could write the entire column about the work Mr. Pridgeon does—he doesn’t refer to it as work, but rather as “…doing exactly what I want to do every day.” However, there is a video that was sent to me about the gallery and it is available to all on YouTube. 

If you are one of those who doesn’t view YouTube videos, be heartened by the fact that this is merely a copy of the segment that was broadcast on Texas Country Reporter, so it is not anything that will spam you or otherwise do harm.

The video does a much better job of telling the story than I could, so I will sign off with only this link to it and let you view Portrait of a Warrior. 

Hands-only CPR

I know, I sent this column out two years ago, but it is never too often to review a life-saving technique, especially when there is a new video demonstration out that might save many lives.

If you wish to skip this week’s column and get right to the “heart” of the matter, here is the new link.. It is presented by a known personality, Ann Peterson, who was a news anchor at one of the Kansas City television stations.  I hope, however, that you will take the time to read through the column and gain the motivation and learning to administer CPR in an emergency.

I recently received a message from one of you concerning a “new” method of performing cardio- pulmonary resuscitation (CPR), and while I am already familiar with the technique, it is apparently still unknown to some people. 

Then I was watching some back episodes of the game show, Jeopardy! from my DVR player and one of the clues given by Alex Trebek concerned CPR. The clue as read was, “It calls for two breaths for every ten chest compressions.” It bothered me that Mr. Trebek was broadcasting the incorrect, outdated method for performing CPR to a huge television audience. 

The combination of those two incidents in less than a week inspired me to revisit my column from April of 2010 and republish it this week. Since I am one of those people who carry the risk of sudden cardiac arrest, I cannot pass up the opportunity to enlighten as many potential lifesavers as possible.  I hope you will spread the word too.

(Actually, I am not a candidate for CPR, because I now have an implanted cardiac device, called an ICD.  It will kick in whenever my heart has several irregular beats, or when the natural pacemaker in my heart quits or fails to work properly.  My condition is so critical that I cannot wait for lifesaving techniques to be applied.)

For those who are at less known risk, or those who have no medical history of cardiac problems, the chance of a cardiac event requiring CPR is currently about thirty percent. In other words, one out of every three of you will probably require CPR. That also means that another thirty percent will have occasion to administer it to someone else.  And that someone else is quite likely to be someone you know and love, a family member.   That being the case, it pays to know how and when to do it.

There has always been some aversion to performing CPR.  The main reason is that it has always required both chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth breathing.  Aside from the possibility of same sex administration, we all seem to have some reluctance to get up close and personal with strangers.  That has resulted in a lot of missed opportunities and delays in performing CPR.

When I learned CPR and became qualified in the 1970s, the procedure called for a 10-to-2 ratio of compressions to breaths if performing one-on-one.  If two people were present, the ratio changed to 5-to-2, but either way, there was no way to keep an even rhythm.  The one-on-one ratio was changed in the 1990s to 20-to-2, but it still wasted about 10-15 seconds to change positions and do the mouth-to-mouth.  Those seconds were critical.

In actual experience, it was found that the stricken person tended to gasp during chest compressions, so some air was being inhaled even without mouth-to-mouth.  Also, the lungs are never completely collapsed, so oxygenation of blood was not really an issue.

The hands-only CPR not only keeps a steady rhythm of the compressions, but it also removes the objectionable part of the procedures that has frequently prevented CPR from being performed. In my opinion, it will likely cause a much higher incidence of recovery from sudden cardiac events.

The new hands-only CPR requires the rescuer to perform continuous chest compressions at a rate of 100 per minute.  That compares to a rate of 30-40 compressions per minute with an irregular rhythm in the former CPR technique.  The survival rate is likely to go up with the new guidelines. That rapid and steady rate of chest compressions can be maintained if you hum (in your mind) the Bee-Gees' song titled, "Stayin' Alive" while you perform hands-only CPR.  It is perfectly paced to keep the beat.

Performing the New Hands-only CPR

If someone collapses, stops normal breathing and is unresponsive to shaking, here are the steps you should take:

• First, have someone call 911 and summon help, if a phone is handy.
• Put the person on the floor face up.
• Place one hand atop the other in the center of the person’s chest.
• Lock your elbows so that your arms are straight from shoulders to hands
• Push hard and fast, 100 compressions a minute.
• If there is another person with you, take turns.  It is hard work.
• Continue compressions until paramedics arrive to take over.

(Source – American Heart Association)

If the person on whom you are performing CPR regains consciousness or shows signs of a return of heartbeat and breathing, you may quit your efforts, but do not move them and stay ready to begin again.  Do not allow the victim to sit up, but make them as comfortable as possible.

There is a Website where you can learn more about hands-only CPR and even get some online training.  Just click on the link here for the American Heart Association.  Then be sure to read the links within that page.  Other links can be found at the following sites, and the last among them actually provides some step-by-step training.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/01/BAJ8VTF35.DTL

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/04/01/health/main3984803.shtml?source=RSSattr=HOME_3984803

http://www.heartrescuenow.com/

http://medicine.arizona.edu/spotlight/learn-sarver-heart-centers-continuous-chest-compression-cpr