It’s time to roll out some of my irony for this week’s column. The inspiration this time was a message I got earlier this week, one of those Maxine funnies, where she proposed swapping out our convicts for our nursing home patients to the benefit of the elderly and the punishment of the felons. It brought this former column of mine to mind, so I will repeat it here for your further amusement.
My wife and I have been discussing the gloomy prospects in
the years ahead. We are avowed
conservatives, and as such, we absolutely abhor the current actions of the
idiots in Washington–both parties.
Faced with healthcare reform (deform?), cap and trade, global warming
legislation, and on and on and on, we are not happy citizens.
Since both of us are already on forced Medicare, we have to
be very concerned about what the future holds for senior citizens. I planned ahead, squirreled away a nest egg
for retirement, and managed my finances carefully. However, I don’t know that we are going to be able to keep it in
light of the Obama/Reid/Pelosi conspiracy to redistribute the wealth.
I’ve taken stock of our savings and our health, and have
come to a conclusion: Judy is probably
going to outlive me by a couple of decades.
My parents died at age 79 and 80, while her dad lived to 95 and her mom
is in her 90s and still going strong.
That doesn’t bode well for us to both live to a ripe old age.
I had a brainstorm the other day about how Judy can make it
to 100 or more if she does it right.
What’s more, it’s all perfectly legal in a very strict definition of the
word “legal.”
I’m sure you’ve all seen that email message that compares
the cost of a nursing home to staying at a Holiday Inn. In case you haven’t, the Holiday Inn at $90-a-day
beats the cost of a nursing home by a long shot. Well, I’ve decided to go that one better. My alternate plan for my wife is free and
includes meals and healthcare. Here it
is…
If Judy outlives me—I’m reasonably certain she will—and she
sees that the money is running out, I want her to go rob a bank. I don’t want
her to use a real gun or do anything that dangerous. A mere note will do the trick.
The note should read, “I have a gun in my pocket, but it
isn’t loaded–yet. I don’t want you to
get hurt. The bullets are in my other pocket, so I can load the gun if I need
to. NOW, GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR CASH!”
Not only will she get caught without any shots being fired,
but she might also qualify for that list of “Dumbest Criminals” that circulates
amongst my email buddies. She can get
her “fifteen minutes of fame” to which Andy Warhol promised everyone is
entitled.
No, no, the bank robbery isn’t meant to get any money. It is to get a jail sentence at a federal
penitentiary, preferably a long one.
Life without parole will do nicely.
Have you seen what those federal prisons look like these days? They have 55-inch flat screen TVs,
recreation rooms, great food, and hospital facilities to die for. (Well, maybe
not to die for, but pretty neat and FREE!)
Oh, there is a slight inconvenience in that she won’t have
her freedom, but then, those people in the nursing homes don’t have any freedom
either. My mother-in-law is in one and
she hasn’t been off the grounds in several years.
Relatives are much better about visiting you in prison than
they are in nursing homes, mainly because the conditions are a lot better in
the prison visiting areas, and there isn’t that nasty odor that permeates the
nursing home. Not only don’t they have
to bring gifts, mostly they aren’t allowed to do so, so there’s no need for
excuses either.
All in all, I think I’ve hit on the ideal way to get around
the Bulls**t the politicians in Washington are giving us. Judy can take advantage of the system and
not even feel guilty.
Just in case you’re tempted to use my idea for yourself or
your spouse, make sure to make the robbery a federal offense. Don’t go for convenience stores or home
invasions. Those will only get you a
state prison, and I hear the conditions in those places are terrible. Besides, convenience store clerks and
homeowners are wising up and getting their own guns to shoot you if you try to
burgle them.
Now, if bank robbery seems too dangerous for you, try
counterfeiting. That too is a federal
offense and will be worthy of a good long sentence. You don’t even have to make good replicas of the currency, since
you want to be caught anyway. If you’re
really nice, you can save the cost of a court trial and just plead guilty when
arraigned, but be sure to show no remorse. The judge will probably
sentence you immediately ad he won't be lenient.
