The Ideal Solution

It’s time to roll out some of my irony for this week’s column.  The inspiration this time was a message I got earlier this week, one of those Maxine funnies, where she proposed swapping out our convicts for our nursing home patients to the benefit of the elderly and the punishment of the felons.  It brought this former column of mine to mind, so I will repeat it here for your further amusement.

My wife and I have been discussing the gloomy prospects in the years ahead.  We are avowed conservatives, and as such, we absolutely abhor the current actions of the idiots in Washington–both parties.  Faced with healthcare reform (deform?), cap and trade, global warming legislation, and on and on and on, we are not happy citizens.

Since both of us are already on forced Medicare, we have to be very concerned about what the future holds for senior citizens.  I planned ahead, squirreled away a nest egg for retirement, and managed my finances carefully.  However, I don’t know that we are going to be able to keep it in light of the Obama/Reid/Pelosi conspiracy to redistribute the wealth.

I’ve taken stock of our savings and our health, and have come to a conclusion:  Judy is probably going to outlive me by a couple of decades.  My parents died at age 79 and 80, while her dad lived to 95 and her mom is in her 90s and still going strong.  That doesn’t bode well for us to both live to a ripe old age.

I had a brainstorm the other day about how Judy can make it to 100 or more if she does it right.  What’s more, it’s all perfectly legal in a very strict definition of the word “legal.”

I’m sure you’ve all seen that email message that compares the cost of a nursing home to staying at a Holiday Inn.  In case you haven’t, the Holiday Inn at $90-a-day beats the cost of a nursing home by a long shot.  Well, I’ve decided to go that one better.  My alternate plan for my wife is free and includes meals and healthcare.  Here it is…

If Judy outlives me—I’m reasonably certain she will—and she sees that the money is running out, I want her to go rob a bank. I don’t want her to use a real gun or do anything that dangerous.  A mere note will do the trick. 

The note should read, “I have a gun in my pocket, but it isn’t loaded–yet.  I don’t want you to get hurt. The bullets are in my other pocket, so I can load the gun if I need to.  NOW, GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR CASH!”

Not only will she get caught without any shots being fired, but she might also qualify for that list of “Dumbest Criminals” that circulates amongst my email buddies.  She can get her “fifteen minutes of fame” to which Andy Warhol promised everyone is entitled.

No, no, the bank robbery isn’t meant to get any money.  It is to get a jail sentence at a federal penitentiary, preferably a long one.  Life without parole will do nicely.  Have you seen what those federal prisons look like these days?  They have 55-inch flat screen TVs, recreation rooms, great food, and hospital facilities to die for. (Well, maybe not to die for, but pretty neat and FREE!)

Oh, there is a slight inconvenience in that she won’t have her freedom, but then, those people in the nursing homes don’t have any freedom either.  My mother-in-law is in one and she hasn’t been off the grounds in several years.

Relatives are much better about visiting you in prison than they are in nursing homes, mainly because the conditions are a lot better in the prison visiting areas, and there isn’t that nasty odor that permeates the nursing home.  Not only don’t they have to bring gifts, mostly they aren’t allowed to do so, so there’s no need for excuses either.

All in all, I think I’ve hit on the ideal way to get around the Bulls**t the politicians in Washington are giving us.  Judy can take advantage of the system and not even feel guilty.

Just in case you’re tempted to use my idea for yourself or your spouse, make sure to make the robbery a federal offense.  Don’t go for convenience stores or home invasions.  Those will only get you a state prison, and I hear the conditions in those places are terrible.  Besides, convenience store clerks and homeowners are wising up and getting their own guns to shoot you if you try to burgle them. 

Now, if bank robbery seems too dangerous for you, try counterfeiting.  That too is a federal offense and will be worthy of a good long sentence.  You don’t even have to make good replicas of the currency, since you want to be caught anyway.  If you’re really nice, you can save the cost of a court trial and just plead guilty when arraigned, but be sure to show no remorse.  The judge will probably sentence you immediately ad he won't be lenient.