The Machine Gun Valentine

 I don't have to tell you that I performed Singing Valentines again this year, but I do want to tell you the story about the most unique one I've ever done.  In all, my quartet sang between forty and fifty 2-song Singing Valentines.  We sang twice to men from their wives (embarrassing), once to a woman from her life partner, also female (weird), and to several mothers and children.  But the neatest and strangest one was a performance on the Army Post at Fort Gordon.

We got a request to sing at a remote firing range for a group of women that call themselves "The Machine Gun Fun Club" and they truly live up to their name.  The request came from the husbands, and the message on each card we presented to the women was the same: "You are the 'tracer fire' of my life!"

We had instructions and directions to the firing range some ten miles out in the wilderness of the fort.  We were met by an advance member of the party about a mile from the firing range.  He advised that we had to wait for about fifteen minutes for the range to "go cold" - ceasefire, for those of you not familiar with the terminology. Otherwise, we would have needed ear protection and other safety equipment to proceed.

Once the call came through that it was safe, we followed the escort truck over the sandy road.  Our minivan nearly got mired in the sand, but we made it the the site without the need for a tow.

What greeted us was a group of men and women around a small trailer with a huge machine gun mounted on it pointed down range. Several other similar guns were arrayed along the firing line.  Looking down the range provided quite a sight!  The closest target, a tank, was 800 meters away and there were other vehicles and targets up to 1600 meters  distant.  I couldn't even see them with the naked eye.  Of course, the cloud of tracer fire smoke didn't help, either.  I wondered who put out all those brush fires so they don't spread after the firing is all done.

It turned out that the trailer was set up as our 'stage', so we climbed onto it, not without some assistance, and stood around the machine gun to perform our Singing Valentines.  Needless to say, it's rather cumbersome and strange to arrange yourselves into the barbershop quartet arc around a four-foot-long lethal weapon like that.

The names of the gals were almost as much fun as the setting; names like Brandy and Bongh, Song Cha and Bring . . . I didn't make those up, either.  We distributed cards and roses by the military mail call method amidst much laughter, and then we sang, or rather shouted the two Valentine songs.  You see, there was a 20-mph, 40-degree wind blowing, filled with that smoke from the tracer round fires out on the range.

After the performance there were hugs amongst the group and pictures, including the one below.  Notice that the machine gun is pointing at yours truly, and at a very vulnerable part of my anatomy.  I was thankful that the gun wasn't loaded and being manned - or should I say "(wo)manned" at the time.

A good time was had by all, and no, we didn't stay to participate in, or watch the target practice, much as I would have liked to.  Instead, we drove back to civilization with smiles on our faces and laughter in our hearts.  It was the pièce de résistance for the whole Singing Valentines experience.  I can't wait till next year!

My Dying Wish

Whatever else you might think of my columns, you have to concede that they are diverse. The subject of this one is a serious topic, but I will start with something humorous that happened recently.

We were driving home from the grocery store when Judy spotted an object in the road that hadn't been there on our drive to the store.   She exclaimed, "Oh,no!" expecting to see a dead dog but, as we got closer, it was obvious that the object was a small rug.  I started laughing at the idea that she was getting so emotional about a "dead rug".

It strikes me as strange that we hate to see dead people or animals, yet we customarily go to "viewings" and funerals where the coffin is open and the deceased is on display.  I've been to several in my life, and the corpse always looks like a mannequin, not as I recall the actual person.

So, I ask you, why do we need to do it?  Or, I could ask what is so special about this "closure"?  My recollection of those people whom I viewed in their coffins is marred by the image of the waxy corpse, a terrible finality with which to remember them.  Those whom I didn't view are much better recalled for me in life settings.

Accordingly, I want my remains cremated ASAP and those I leave behind can then have a memorial service, or a wake, or even a party in my memory.  And, since I am frequently on the road, if I should die "in the saddle" as the saying goes, I prefer that the cremation be performed in whatever city or town I happen to be and my remains sent or carried back home for interment.

I want my family and friends to remember me the way I was the last time they were with me; no mental pictures of some "dummy" in a fancy box.  I still have that image of my mother and it freaks me out that it is a lasting impression.  Please don't make that same mistake with me.

Both of my brothers were cremated and one, since he was an avid golfer, had his ashes spread on the only green where he ever aced the hole - That's a 'hole in one' for you non-golf aficionados.  My memory of Dick is of the last time I visited with him and played golf.  My brother Don had his wife hold a party at their house after the memorial service.  My memory of Don is also of a visit where we recalled good times from our childhood.  Those memories are sweet and clear.

Now that we have that out of the way, no, I'm not planning on going anytime soon, and, yes, I feel just fine!  Thanks for thinking about it, however, and I know you did.

Traffic Waves

As you know by now, I like to give driving tips in my columns, and when I come across a new one - new to me anyway - I want to share it. 

I recently watched a video about something called a 'traffic wave'.  Further research elicited another name, the 'phantom traffic jam'.  It taught me that, although I've been driving for sixty years and have been in many, many traffic waves during that time, I have been using exactly the wrong action to break the wave or prevent one in the first place.

How many times have you been driving along and suddenly seen lots of brake lights up ahead?   Your first thought is that there must be an accident or some road construction that is causing the backup.  Then, when you finally can see far enough ahead to determine that traffic is again flowing smoothly, you realize that there is no reason at all for the blockage; no accident on either side and no closed lanes.  For some unknown reason, all the traffic is starting to flow again from the front of the jam.

This is a traffic wave, not a traffic jam, distinguished by the lack of accident or any  road construction at the head of the stoppage.  There has apparently been a lot of research on what causes stop-and-go traffic, and there were three main causes:

• Variable speeds of the vehicles. 
• Failure to keep adequate space between vehicles 
• Frequent lane changing. 

These three factors can actually create traffic jams without any other physical cause.

If all vehicles are moving at the same speed, there should be no stoppage, but tailgating, not keeping adequate space between vehicles can cause it.  A safe distance is governed by the 3 second rule, which increases distance as speed goes higher.  SmartMotorist.com has a good article on that if you care to read it by clicking on the link.

Lane changing is another no-no, but we all do it.  Except in heavy traffic, you should only change lanes to pass the vehicle in front of you, and then you should get back in line in the rightmost driving lane.  Hogging the passing lane is one cause of both traffic waves and road rage, and we all know how that sometimes turns out.

I have a confession to make before I continue.  I am guilty of all three of the above, and I have often criticized my dear wife for NOT following my instructions to "close it up," or "get over into the next lane," or even "go a little faster and pass that truck."  It turns out that she was doing the right thing after all.

I could try to explain what I learned in print, but if you watch at least the two videos that I've linked for you above, I believe you'll get the idea.  If not, use your search engine and input "traffic waves" (without the quotations) to see several other explanations.

The only thing I will state here are the three positive actions you can take to possibly prevent the hypothetical "next" traffic wave:

• Maintain a constant speed with the traffic in your lane
• Leave some space between your vehicle and the one ahead, even when not moving, and don't get upset if a vehicle moves into the space.  Adjust to keep the same distance from that vehicle.
• Try not to change lanes except when passing and to enter or exit the roadway.

Following those three simple rules won't prevent any future traffic waves, because other drivers will continue to break them, but at least you won't be the one to start the wave, and you might find that you can be the one to break it up.  If nothing else, you can prevent a traffic wave in your lane merely by following these three rules. I've tried it and it actually does work.

Thirteen Minutes of Fame

Here it is, Super Bowl Weekend again.  Not only are we going to be treated to a super championship game between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks, but we can also speculate on whether or not Boston brought their balls with enough air in them. 

I have to confess that I never knew until now that the teams were allowed to bring their own footballs to the game.  I can't think of any other reason for this concession than that the teams want to customize their balls to their own liking, and that would seem to include inflation.  It seems to me that it encourages cheating, if that is what under- or over-inflation truly is.

While you are watching the spectacular - I don't intend to watch it for reasons you will soon learn - I hope you will get full enjoyment out of the THIRTEEN MINUTES OF ACTION!

I had a house guest a few weeks ago and we were discussing the huge number of commercials that we have to watch (or fast forward through, if you use your DVR like I do) in order to see a program that we have already paid to watch through cable or dish subscription fees. I told him that I can watch a full hour-long program in about 34 minutes if I fast forward through the ads and promos.

Then Steve told me that it is even worse for sports like football.  He said that he had timed the action for a college game and found that the ball is only in play for about thirteen minutes during the three-and-one-half-hours it takes to play the game.

I was floored by that revelation, though I didn't necessarily disagree with his assessment.  However, I decided then and there that I was going to use a stop watch and perform the same ritual for the next pro football game.

The game I happened to choose was the New England-versus-Indianapolis one, that one with all the controversy over 'Deflategate'.   I did try to keep track of the actual time the football was in play.  Huddles, reviews, challenges, replays and time outs didn't count, but kickoffs and extra points, where the clock isn't running, did count. 

As it turned out, I got kind of bored with the timing, so I quit after the first half, but I did get a pretty good reading while I was doing my due diligence.  I can report that the action during that first half amounted to 6 minutes and 32 seconds.  Therefore, I will concur with Steve's numbers and round it off to 13 minutes of actual football action during the entire game.  Heck, it was hardly a workout. 

Well, I don't know about you, but I don't intend to waste all that time on Sunday to watch thirteen minutes of action.  Maybe I'll tune in at the two-minute warning in the second half and watch the last 10 seconds.

Singing Valentines

Valentines Day is coming up on a Saturday this year, and if you’re in a quandary about what to buy your wife or girlfriend, I have a suggestion for you.  Buy her a Singing Valentine.  If you’ve never bought a singing valentine for your wife, girlfriend, fiancé

or other significant loved one in your life, you don’t know what you’re missing-or rather, what they’re missing.. 

There will be two days of songs for the ladies this year.  Our chorus always does Singing Valentines on at least one weekday, so that we can visit schools and businesses.  Then, on Saturday we'll sing in the homes on a more personal level.  So, you have two chances to impress her this year.

I doubt that there is anything else you can do on Valentines Day that will equal the experience she will have when four tuxedo-clad men show up at her home or at her workplace, present a long-stem red rose and a card with your personal greeting on it and then sing two love songs to her.

Our quartet sang about 30 times last year, and the response was phenomenal.  The ones we sang in the home were the most personal, and the tears flowed every time.  But the ones we sang at the workplace, especially at schools, were the most fun, because our audience was larger, and the school children were so impressed.

We sang to women and men—that’s right, we’re gender neutral—and our audience included teenage girls, widows, mothers and daughters.  We started at 7 AM and didn’t quit until 9 PM. 

We were one of five quartets that circulated throughout the metropolitan area singing, and we presented 166 Singing Valentines.  It wasn’t inexpensive for the senders, but I bet every one of them felt it was worth every penny.  For the lovebirds I’m certain it pays dividends later that evening.

If you would like to send a Singing Valentine to your sweetheart this year, most cities have the service available.  You can usually place an order online or by phone.  Just use the link above and enter your postal zip code to locate the service in your area.  If you order early and you allow a four-hour window, you can probably get a discount.  The extras, like having the presentation at your Valentine dinner at your favorite restaurant are a little extra money, but are always worth it.

So here it is ladies and gentlemen.  If you are trying to come up with a good gift for this Valentines Day, I guarantee that you cannot do any better than a Singing Valentine.  If you don’t score big with your honey, it won’t be our fault.

Here are the lyrics to the two songs usually sung by the quartet:

Let Me Call You Sweetheart

Let Me Call You Sweetheart, I’m in love with you.

Let me hear you whisper that you love me too.

Keep the love light glowing in your eyes so true.

Let me call you sweetheart, I’m in love with you.

Heart Of My Heart (The Story of the Rose)

Heart of my heart, I love you.

Life would be naught without you.

Light of my life, my darling,

I love you... I love you.

I can forget you never.

From you I ne’er can sever.

Say you’ll be mine forever.

I love you.

Now I ask you, “How can she resist when you phrase it that way?”

Paying Yourself First

Can You Use an Extra $250 a Month?  No strings attached?  Not a loan, but a gift?  I'm going to show you how to get it without any gimmicks, so read on

This column needs to be written and disseminated at least once a year, and this is the ideal time to do it.  Unfortunately, for most of us, this is the only time during the year that we bother to think about our income taxes, and then only because the day of reckoning is fast approaching.

Most of you, my readers, are close to or in my age bracket, so the opportunity I'm going to present might not fit your circumstances.  However, we all have children and grand children who can benefit from the advice I'm about to give.  Send or print out this column for them to read and you'll be helping them immensely.

I use both TaxACT™— and Turbo Tax to prepare my taxes, and both send me emails all through tax season to "file now and get your maximum refund."  Well, I am not getting a refund, so why would I file any earlier than the last week around April 15?  Of course, I also noticed that the in-store tax preparers are, as always, hawking their "maximum refund" and "Get your billion back" ads on TV.  It flies in the face of logic, but I suppose it does attract customers.  Here is my opinion on tax refunds.

Approximately 136 million federal tax returns were filed for the 2014 tax season, the one that covered the year 2013 and the latest year for which the numbers are available.  Of those returns, over 102 million - 75% - of the filers claimed tax refunds.  The average refund claimed for those 102 million returns was a shade under $2,700.  That translates to a whopping $275 billion in over-withholding in 2013 alone.  If you don't believe it, here is the link to the statistics. To make this column a little simpler to understand, I'm going to take the liberty to round off the refund amount to $3000.

I know these numbers are difficult to place in perspective on an individual level, but let me put it this way:  Taxpayers loaned the United States Government over one-quarter-of-a-trillion dollars interest-free in 2013.  Here is what that number looks like with all the zeros - $274,700,000,000.  Experience has shown that we continued to loan that much or more in 2014, since the numbers have risen every year for the past decade.

Do you think the government spent that money, or did they keep it in a lockbox so that the IRS could refund it to you when you filed your taxes?  Don't be too hasty with your answer.  Think about it on a personal level.  If I gave you $3,000 today with no strings attached except that you would have to pay it back next year, what would you do with it? Would you find some use for it, or would you put it in a safe place, untouched, so that you could pay me back next year?

Now that you have (I hope) arrived at the same conclusion that I have, I'll ask the next logical question.  Why do we continue to loan all that money to the feds, whom we know to be fiscally irresponsible, instead of keeping it for ourselves and putting it to much better use in our own daily lives?

For instance, if you were to invest that amount in an IRA or 401(k) with a 5-percent annual return -- not hard to get in today's indexed mutual funds -- over a 40-year work career, you would have a retirement nest egg of over $350,000.  And just think, that's money that you aren't currently using at all, because you're loaning it to the government on a continuous basis.  That's right, even though you do get a 'refund' every year, you are still out the same amount from your current income tax withholding.  It's a cycle that never ends!

Are you convinced that over-withholding of taxes to get a refund at tax time is not a good idea?  If not, quit reading right here, because you will never learn anything from the rest of this column.

Okay, to those of you who are still with me, my illustration above is only one of many options as to how you could benefit from the extra $125 in each bi-weekly paycheck you get.  It would be an instant raise in income to use as you see fit.  And getting it is as easy as requesting and filling out a new W-4 form, called a Withholding Allowance Certificate that is available online or at your workplace. 

The W-4 includes a worksheet for you to determine how many exemptions you can take and how they will affect your take home pay.  It allows you to fine tune your withholding so that your deducted taxes during the year are approximately equal to what you will owe on tax day.  In fact, you should try to be within $100 of your tax liability and the W-4 is the primary instrument that enables you to achieve that.

Heck, I'll even give you this link to help you fill out the W-4.  It comes from TaxACT™, an online tax filing company and one you might choose to use when filing time arrives, but you're under no obligation to do so.  The instructions are free for your use.

If you are self employed, or run your own small business, you can achieve the same thing by downloading and using the 1040-ES, Estimated Tax Worksheet and Scheduler.  It will accomplish the same goal for you.  Here is a short video to help you with that.  It uses the 2011 Form 1040-ES, but these do not change from year to year so any one is adequate.

You might want to use both the W-4 and the 1040-ES if your income during the year is earned in uneven patterns and amounts.  For instance, you might buy and sell stocks and bonds, or you take on seasonal employment to augment your income.  Using both forms helps to fine tune your withholding to get to that +/-$100 goal at tax filing time.

The side benefit of  changing your withholding to stay close to your actual liability is that you will no longer be overfeeding the insatiable mouth of government.  The behavior of our spendthrift Congress can be muzzled if there isn't an excess of funds in the Treasury Department for them to spend.  You can help to reign in those huge deficits and the fat national debt by merely submitting your new W-4 or 1040-ES and convincing others to do the same.

So, unless you dislike the idea of getting a raise in your pay while helping to reduce the national debt, I suggest you take my advice and submit that revised W-4 and/or 1040-ES post haste.  And use the first enhanced pay to treat yourself to a night out and dinner -- you deserve it for being smart enough to take the first step.

A Kid's Camping Trip

This is going to be a journey through time as well as a wilderness trek.  There won't be any pictures, and the scenic beauty will have to be generated in your mind, but it is a nostalgic trip from this "kid's" past that you might find interesting to share.

I recently read a novel titled Vanishing Act, by Thomas Perry.  It was set mostly in Western  New York, but the end of the book was set in the Adirondack Mountains and detailed a canoe trip through some of the lakes in that area.  While reading that part, the memories came flooding back to me of my youth in that very spot.

I grew up in a suburb of Buffalo and my father loved to camp.  Nearly every summer we would drive up to the Adirondacks to a camping park called Golden Beach.  It was on Raquette Lake, a part of the Fulton Chain of lakes situated right in the middle of that mountain range. We kids would pitch our pup tent, a small 2-man canvas tent, and spread our Army surplus sleeping bags out on the ground, prepared for a week of  'living in the wild.'

One of the last summers we went up there - I was probably fifteen and my older brother. Don would have been seventeen - the two of us rented an aluminum canoe and went on an overnight trip in it.  Early one morning we loaded our sleeping bags and some snacks and sandwiches into the canoe and set off for the town of Blue Mountain Lake.

The route we had to follow took us first west around a spit of land called Long Point and into the mouth of the Marion River.  It really isn't a river at all, but a stream with lots of marshes and open meadows.  The views were good and there was lots of wildlife along the banks.

The Marion peters out about a half-mile from the western end of Utowana Lake, a Native American name that Don and I converted to 'You-don't-wan'na', something we laughed over for years afterwards.  A portage was called for to get over to the lake, so we hefted the canoe over our heads and trekked the distance.  We found a small lean-to built of pine branches at the head of the lake, so we decided to make it our camp when we returned later in the day.

Paddling along, we transited Lake Utowana and then Eagle lake - no portage there - and on into Blue Mountain Lake.  There is a small town with the same name along the southern shore, and we stopped at a general store there for a soda and a couple of candy bars as our lunch.  Then, after a very brief rest, we got back into the canoe and started the return trip. 

By this time it was already mid-afternoon, we had traveled approximately thirteen miles, and we knew it would be a good pull to reach our intended campsite before dusk.  You don't want to be paddling a canoe in the dark in those alpine lakes, so we had to paddle long and hard to get back to the head of Lake Utowana.  Beavers, herons and who knows what other animals watched us make for the campsite.

As I recall, we got back to the lean-to in plenty of time to build a campfire and set up our bivouac for the night.  Fortunately, we didn't have to share with anyone else; in those days there wasn't much traffic up there.  Nor did we encounter any bears, which could have been dicey, since neither of us had a gun, only an innocuous hunting knife with a five inch blade that the bear would surely have laughed at, or whatever it is bears do to show their disdain for human foibles.  Anyway, we spent a restless night worrying about the possibilities.

Early the next morning we struck our camp and set off for the paddle back to Golden Beach.  Of course, we first had to do that portage again back over to the Marion River. The return trip seemed ever so much shorter and we arrived before noon, two 'tested woodsmen' in their moment of glory.  Aside from a few scratches and some sore muscles, we were none the worse for the wear, and we both learned a lot about our mettle on that journey.

If you care to see a map of the route we used, go to whatever mapping application you use and type in Raquette Lake to start your search.  Then expand the map a little until the other three lakes come up to the north and east of Raquette Lake.  If you ever want a neat canoe trip, this one is recommended.  Even today, some sixty years later, I suspect it is still as wild and scenic as it was back in 1954 when I made that trip.  Oh, I know, Route 28 kind of parallels it, but aside from one stretch where the road is right by the lake, it is out of sight, out of mind.