My Apologies

Wow! I awoke from a weird dream one morning last week, and I was really confused. I had dreamt that I actually believed some things that I never would have thought to be true about science. In fact, even though I know that there are thousands of scientists who say it isn’t so, I was convinced in my dream—more like a nightmare—that man-made global warming was real.

Funny thing was, I was cold all night long, and I couldn’t get enough covers. In my dream I was petting polar bears and penguins and baby seals. I mean, it was strange.

Well, I spent the day feeling kind of ambivalent about my somnambulant change of mind, but then, it wasn’t anything that I had to apologize to anyone about. After all, dreams are personal, and only a shrink ever gets inside your head to examine them. It wasn’t that bad, I reasoned.

Then I opened my word processor this week to write my weekly web log, my Weekly Wisdom Column. That was when I discovered that not only had I dreamed about global warming, but also I apparently did something else unheard of—I must have sleep-typed. There in front of me was a whole column on the topic, and the author was a firm disciple of the Al Gore global warming myth.

And that author must have been me!!!

Okay, so I owe a double apology. The first is to all the skeptics like myself, who believe that this whole global warming thing is just part of a natural earth-sun cycle that occurs periodically. (A lot of scientists say that we were in a short period of warming, but the earth is currently cooling again.) So, my apologies if I gave you the false impression that I concur with the global warming crowd.

The second apology is to those of you who stay up to watch those late-night talk shows that I put down last week. I apologize to you because I do believe that you are probably among those global warming folks—most people who are avid Leno, Letterman, and O’Brien fans seem to be of the liberal persuasion as well. Therefore, I wouldn’t have reached you with my former apology.

Geez, this has been a confusing column, just like last week’s was, so I had better quit while I still have my sanity. However, in my defense and all kidding aside, if you read between the lines last week, you should have seen that I wrote it with tongue-in-cheek. I got some e-mail that told me some of you really took me seriously.

Nah, I’m still one of those right-wing conspirators that DHS Sec. Napolitano despises and warns against. I’m a “bitter clinger” after all.